Trump Tax Cuts = South Park Underpants Gnomes Profit Plan

So listening to the arguments for and against the Trump Tax plan it seems like they basically have the same plan as the Underpants Gnomes in South Park.

Phase 1: Collect Underpants

Phase 2: ?

Phae 3: Profit

Really, when you look at it they’re basically saying the same thing. They’re saying:

Phase 1: Give even bigger tax cuts to the wealthy

Phase 2: ?

Phase 3: Profit

Let’s look at one specific example of why this won’t work. Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, said that if these tax cuts come through he will bring $150 Billion back to the US. What he isn’t saying is that they’ve already started automating jobs at Foxconn. So if they build a plant here it will be almost entirely automated. That means that virtually no jobs will be created for human workers and the only people that will benefit are the investors. Whatever, I’ve told you all a long tome ago to start using Linux anyway LOL :). Seriously though, Linux is awesome and pretty much guilt free. I’m always happy to help someone learn more about Linux.

Equifax Notice of Data Breach (With A Truth Filter Enabled)

About 1/2 of all Americans received a letter from Equifax over the last few weeks outlining the totally unacceptable data breach that, of course, no one who makes more than 250k a year at Equifax is being held accountable for. Even though there was obviously insider trading, the most likely source of the breach was internal, and at best the Equifax executives withheld the data for at least a day while they sold off their stocks. The letter, of course, tries to inform the consumer of the problem without assigning any blame to Equifax. It’s overall goal is to help Equifax executives avoid being held accountable for their criminal activities. So here, I am reproducing the letter with George Carlin style interpretations in parentheses () where appropriate. Enjoy!

EQUIFAX

NOTICE OF DATA BREACH

Dear Proles,

This letter follows up on a cybersecurity incident Equifax announced on September 7, 2017. (It took us months to admit to it and then even longer to try and cover our tracks which is why you’re receiving this letter so late.) At Equifax, our priorites with regard to this incident are transperncy and continuing to provide timely, reassuring support to every consuer. (Meaning, we will pretend to care if you call us but you’re pretty much on your own if you are actually a victim of identity theft, etc. because of our criminal incompetence. I mean come on, you know the Corporate Democrats would have never held us accountable, so why do you think the Neo-Conservatice Republicans led by Trump will? We can do whatever we want and get away with it right now!) You are receiving this letter because you are one of the 3 million additional potentially impacted U.S. consumers that has personal information that was potentially exposed, as described below. (Meaning, your data was definitely taken. In fact, you’ve probably already had to at least run credit reports and file fraudulent credit card charge claims, but we still won’t admit to it because we don’t care. In fact, you have to be out of your mind to keep doing business with us. That is assuming you don’t lose everything you’ve worked so hard for in your life before you can protect yourself, because we took so long to inform you in the first place.)

What Happened

From mid-May through July of this year, Equifax discovered that criminals exploited a U.S. website application vulnerability to gain access to certain files. (Meaning that we had inadequate security because we never took it seriously, underpaid our IT staff, and had too few employees working on security to keep your data safe. Basically, we didn’t give a shit and never will since we can always get away with blaming our workers regardless of how we treat them. Also, by certain files we mean that we had lots of your data in just a few locations, making it easy for criminals to get lots of data at once. Our security model is often referred to as the Cadbury Creme Egg Model. Meaning hard outer shell, soft creamy center and our eggs were old and had even been dropped.) Upon discovery, we acted immediately to stop the intrusion. (Ok, well our own commentary shows that we didn’t act immediately, but hopefully this sounds good enough that you don’t put 2 and 2 together on that point). The company promptly engaged a leading, independent cybersecurity firm which has been conducting a comprehensive forensic review to determine the scope of the intrusion, including the specific data impacted. (You know, like we should have had been doing the whole time since we had data on about 50% of the population. Oh well, fuck you, deal with it!) Equifax also reported the criminal access to law enforcement and continues to work with authorities. (Which is kind of a joke, because all of our social systems have been totally gutted by people like our CEOs, and the upper class in general, but this sounds good to say here.) Based on the company’s investigation, the unauthorized access occurred from mid-May through July 2017. (So over a very long period of time, and we just weren’t paying attention, or some of us were involved. Remember Ockham’s razor. It probably took place over an even longer period of time, but we’ll never admit to that.)

On September 7, 2017 Equifax notified U.S. consumers of the data security incident, including that approximately 143 million (plus the 3 million additional consumers above so actually 146 million) U.S. consumers were impacted. (We’ve tried to soften up this number by using the whole U.S. population of about 323 million, but the adult population is about 250 million, meaning that 60% of consumers had their data stolen in a way that can be used immediately. Meaning that trusting your money with any large U.S. bank or credit organization is literally insane and shows you why our system is unsustainable.) On October 2, 2017, following the completion of the forensic portion of the investigation of the incident, (so 6 months after the original incident, because we were busy trying to cover up our own crimes), Equifax announced that the review determined that approximately 3 million additional consumers were potentially impacted. (See, we keep saying potentially, when we mean definitely. We’re just so spineless that we won’t take responsibility for anything, and honestly, for the sake of the species, shouldn’t be allowed to breed as we represent the worst among you. I mean, really, you guys all go to work for a living, and then we steal from you, it blows our minds that you tolerate that, but you do so whatever!) To minimize confusion, you are receiving this letter because you are one of the potentially effected U.S. consumers. (Again, replace potentially with definitely here.)

What Information Was Involved

Most of the consumer information accessed includes names, Social Security numbers, birth dates, addresses, and in some instances, driver’s license numbers. (Basically, everything someone needs to totally fuck up your life. Oh, and it’s your responsibility to solve the problem, not ours. Thank god for the Republicans and Corporate Democrats who are on the take and will never hold us responsible. Phew, it would be a close one without those guys on our payroll.) In addition to this notice, Equifax will send you a direct mail notice if your credit card number was impacted. (Which is not true, because many of you who know your credit cards were impacted did not receive notices. I’m sure we’ll pretend that we just didn’t know. Tee-hee.) We have found no evidence of unauthorized access to Equifax’s core consumer or commercial credit reporting databases. (But then again, we missed everything else for months, and took even longer to report it, so that doesn’t really mean anything. In general, we’re totally incompetent, or at least that’s what we want you to think. We actually probably just stole from you.)

What We Are Doing

(Overall, we’re just pretending to care. I mean, come on, we all know that the Trump administration won’t hold us accountable.)

Upon learning of this incident, Equifax took steps to stop the intrusion, and engaged an independent cybersecurity firm to forensically investigate and determine the scope. Equifax also engaged cyersecurity firm (it really does say firm here, we can’t even be bothered to proof read stuff like this) to conduct an assessment and provide recommendation on steps that can be taken to help prevent this type of incident from happening again. (This was always possible, we just chose not to spend money on protecting you until something awful happened because it would have cost us money that our spoiled kids could spend on blow to use in their Ivy League dorms.)

Equifax is focused on consumer protection and has established a dedicated website, www.equifaxsecurity2017.com to help consumers. (We should have called it equifax_unacceptable_data_breach_2017.com) We are also offering free identity theft protection and credit file monitoring to all U.S. consumers, even if a consumer was not impacted by this incident. (You know, like we always should have since we make millions off of reselling your information, etc. This is also a way for us to shift the blame back to you when something happens to you because of our incompetence.) This offering, called TrustedID Premier, includes 3-Bureau credit monitoring of your Equifax, Experian and TransUnion credit reports; copies of your Equifax credit report; the ability to lock and unlock your Equifax credit report; (meaning it’s totally useless if another credit bureau is used) identity theft insurance; (of course no amount is specified here, because we’ll totally try to fuck you on that later like any insurance company) and Internet scanning for your Social Security number – all complimentary to U.S. consumers for one year. (We hope this will keep us from going to jail, but come on, we can’t give you more than one year, because we’re just that greedy.) To find out more information on this complimentary offer and to sign up, please click on the tab “What Can I Do” on the dedicated website. You must complete the enrollment process by January 31, 2018. (Better keep saying complimentary. Then people feel like they’re getting something when they’re not really. Well they already got screwed by us, so that’s something right…)

In addition, by January 31, 2018, Equifax will offer a new service allowing consumers the option of controlling access to their personal credit data. (Like we always should have offered, but remember we were too busy selling your information, buying cocaine and hookers with the profits, and supporting candidates like Donald Trump so we could get away with incompetence like this all of the time, to do that. Also, this will be useless if someone uses another credit bureau.) The service we are developing will let consumers easily lock and unlock access to their Equifax credit files — for free, for life. (Again, it’s not really free. It’s your data after all. We had no right to withhold it from you in the first place.)

What You Can Do

In addition to enrolling in identity theft protection and credit file monitoring, please see the “Identity Theft Prevention Tips” and State Information below. (A great first step would be NOT doing business with us anymore. Oh and NOT voting against your own interests in the future. You should probably start voting for people that will actually hold us accountable. I mean really, what other proof do you need?!) This information provides additional steps you can take, including how to obtain a free copy of your credit report and place a fraud alert and/or credit freeze on your credit report. In addition, please monitor your account statements and report any unauthorized charges to your credit card companies and financial institutions. (All of who should know better than to trust us in the future.)

For More Information

Equifax is committed to ensuring that your personal information is protected (well not really, that’s why we’re in this mess in the first place, but this sounds good here), and we apologize to you for the concern and frustration this incident causes. (I mean, again, if we cared, this wouldn’t have happened, but maybe this will keep you from putting us in jail where we belong.) If you have additional questions, please call our dedicated call center at 866-447-7559, available from 7:00 a.m. to 1:00 a.m. Eastern Time, seven days a week. (Even after this we won’t give you a 24 hour call center. Come on, that means underpaying workers for 3 shifts and we are still really, really greedy and incapable of taking responsibility for our mistakes.)

Sincerely,

Equifax Inc.

(Notice how we didn’t list the names of any of our upper echelon here. We don’t want you remembering who they are.)