Amazon Fascistly Censors Reviews that May Paint Other Corporations in a Bad Light, Especially When They’re True

Just like NextDoor, Amazon also has a set of overzealous “community standards” that they use to keep people from posting legit, factual, reviews of items on their site. Here is a copy of a review of a book called “The 5G Myth” that Amazon would not allow to be posted because they say it violated their “community standards,” even though a review of these standards shows that it does not. Of course they provided no specifics, and the review is complementary of the book, and 100% accurate. What they’re really saying is that they reserve the right to censor information and don’t mind doing so, which is fascist. Still, is anyone surprised to hear that an American corporation is fascist at this point?

The Next Generation of 5G Wireless Is Definitely Mostly Hype, 5G Is Largely Just a Marketing Term

This is a very important book for everyone to read right now especially as the FCC and Trump administrations start to push inferior wireless technology over fiber optic networks so they can steal money from tax payers and give it to untrustworthy, fascist, big telecoms. You need fiber to do wireless, and you need good infrastructure to do anything well. This book helps highlight what our actual problems are when it comes to networks with one exception; the author’s belief that FTTC (Fiber to the Curb) is adequate is not correct, also his slant towards private companies is sad, but was written before they proved themselves to be fascists. Anyway, FTTH (Fiber to the Home) is what we need. In fact we already gave the big telecom companies $400 billion dollars, so much money that every American should already have fiber to the home, to do upgrades like this and they stole it instead of doing the upgrades. Here are two articles to backup my claims.
“The Next Generation of 5G Wireless is All Hype” — Wired
https://www.wired.com/2016/08/the-next-generation-of-wireless-5g-is-all-hype/
and an article on how the big telecoms stole $400 Billion from American tax payers.
https://nationaleconomicseditorial.com/2017/11/27/americans-fiber-optic-internet/
On top of this, the Big Telecoms are now acting the most like “Trusted” companies in Nazi Germany with their Anti-Net Neutrality Stance out of any companies in American history. For something you can do about it, check out this effort in Bellingham, WA and 750 other cities in the US.
https://www.change.org/p/mayorsoffice-cob-org-bellingham-public-fiber-optic-network

As George Carlin told us years ago, “fascism is alive and well in America.” It’s sad because Amazon claims to be a Net-Neutral company, but I guess corporate loyalty is more important than honoring the constitution of the country that has made them great, even when posting reviews like this help them further their own goals. The big corporations just won’t screw with each other, even if the rest of their corporate family is deplorable. They’d still prefer to surround themselves with other deplorable corporations, than have modernize in the way that they treat people. We’re just consumers to them, and our rights only extend to how much money we might give them.

Anyway, the book is really a must read as we enter this dark time.

Nextdoor, the Most Fascist Social Media Site by Design

Many of us use social media on a daily basis in the same spirit that we use any other form of communication. True, the lack of physical proximity to another person does cause people to sometimes be nastier than they would in a physical meeting, but overall we respect everyone’s right to free speech. If a user has a problem with another user they can ignore them, block them, etc. just like in real life.

Some people felt that that wasn’t enough and want to control free speech itself. So on specifically on some social media site, like Nextdoor, people can report any content they want, anonymously, and usually get it removed. They can do it under the totally undefined guidelines of “don’t use Nextdoor as a soapbox”, or “be helpful not hurtful” or any other number of things. All of this is filtered through a neighborhood admin that makes the final decision, and may or may not be a true American when it comes to free speech. Essentially, this means that any content can be removed for any reason. The person reporting the largely non-offensive content, can be doing so simply because they are an investor in one of the companies that’s being talked about and it’s effecting their bottom line, for example. People are not required to list their investments after all, before pretending to be offended by a post that attacks Verizon, for example. I have personally seen Verizon investors try to have posts removed that are related to public broadband efforts, even though the posts are not offensive. They can claim something like, “over-posting” and since it effects their bottom line, you can be sure they’ll use every fascist means at their disposal to get it removed. After all, they have no allegiance to their countries or communities, just to their investments. Nextdoor’s policies makes it especially easy for them to get away with this behavior. By perverting their community policies, fascists in your community can control speech on this platform to protect their Corporate Dictatorships.

It is also worth mentioning that Nextdoor allows “sponsored content” (aka paid ads) from some of the most immoral companies to be run on the site, and sent to you in messages, but local businesses aren’t supposed to use the site to advertise for free. In short, the people in you community, working hard everyday, that have services you might actually need, are not allowed to use their community website to advertise in their own neighborhood for free, but if ultra-fascist big telecoms want to, hey no problem. Nextdoor is simply the most fascist social media site out there, but the good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way. If the community standards were adjusted to reflect other social media sites, and honor our constitution, it could be truly valuable.

Es Ist Zeit for Justice Democrats

So the Justice Democrats decided to shoot themselves in the foot recently by asking for the resignations of founding members Cenk Uygur and David Koller. Both are also founding members of the online news show The Young Turks.

While I do not support what Cenk and David had to say which you can read about there https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/justice-democrats-ousts-cenk-uygur_us_5a3eb4d1e4b025f99e178181

I do support the right to free speech, and recognize that speech and actions are two separate things or at least they should be. As noted in the article, Cenk said some really stupid things about women over 18 years ago, he apologized for them and deleted them 12 years ago and apologized for them again recently. So sure, he said something stupid, but what he did wasn’t illegal so why are the Justice Democrats shooting themselves in the foot and asking him to resign.

Let’s try to be objective about this, because part of their reasoning is good. They want to be a party that actually has values, and that’s a good thing, and they say his statements violate their core values.

However, no crime has been committed here and honoring the first amendment should be part of the values of any political organization in the US. So NOT honoring them is now something the Justice Democrats and Republicans have in common. Actually, sadly this is true of most of the political organizations at this point because they’re really private corporations and do not reflect the values set forth in the constitution.

Also, no one gave the Justice Democrats more of a boost than TYT Network and specifically Cenk Uygur. They even recently created a show for progressive candidates called “Rebel Headquarters.” It was one of the only places that we actually got to hear from progressive candidates, and I hope that won’t come to an end. I think TYT Network and Cenk are big enough to keep doing the interviews, etc. but who knows.

So the Justice Democrats shot themselves in the foot on this one, or another way to put it might be that they cut off their nose to spite their face. At a time when the Republicans routinely support candidates that should be in jail for actually assaulting children should we really be attacking Cenk and David for some blog posts they made 18 years ago?

I think the tweet from William LeGate (a person I know nothing about personally by the way) puts it best. “Now, you’re calling for the top progressive leaders in your organization to resign over WORDS—not actions—they wrote nearly 2 decades ago, deleted 12 years ago, and have publicly apologized for & condemned.”

I guess no one can learn and grow anymore. At least not when the Justice Democrats are too busy polishing their halos to stop and look at the 1st Amendment. It doesn’t say that you have to agree with what people say. Just that they have the right to say just about anything they want.

This is why the progressives never have anything and why we can’t get rid of the Corporate Democrats or the Republicans. The Corporate Democrats like Patty Murray, Cory Booker, Maria Cantwell… the list goes on, don’t even blink an eye at accepting money from big Pharma companies that charge a child $7,000 a month for cancer medication. Of course they charge less in other countries for the same medication, we’re just really “lucky” in the US and get to pay those rates. I think that’s far more of a crime than some 2 decade old blog posts, but hey at least they talk like respectable people in public right? I guess that’s more important then their actions now.

So while this kind of stuff is going on, the Justice Democrats are cannibalizing their party over some “he said she said” blog posts from 18 years ago in violation of a huge supporters 1st amendment rights. Sure, you don’t have to agree with Cenk, but to boot him for something he said and not for something he did, especially something he said almost 2 decades ago, and apologized for. Well, that’s fascist. We need progressive candidates now, what a stupid reason to lose our best shot at a better future.

The episode “Majority Rule” of “The Orville” deals with what happens when you let huge masses of poorly informed people judge everyone in the court of public opinion. Especially a populous as immature as our own. Sure, it seems democratic but the result is always over the top because it’s easy to let others suffer when you’re disconnected from their suffering and most people really don’t stop to think about what they’re doing before they do it.

In my own home town we have a 52,000 square foot, publicly owned, unoccupied building downtown that we could house a huge portion of our growing homeless population in, but we won’t open it up. Government officials, who always “say the right things,” are willing to let the homeless freeze to death instead while they use the police to forcibly sweep the homeless out of camp sites and drag their feet on legislation to help them, but hey at least they didn’t say stupid things on their blogs in their late 20’s. Probably because most of them are too stupid to figure out how to setup a blog in the first place. So I guess that’s what’s important now. What you say, not what you do. I think it should be the other way around.

https://www.fox.com/watch/4e9ac96523b454de771f95a4f775facb/

“Freedom of Speech, Just Watch What You Say…” — Ice T

There Is No War On The Cops/It May Be The Other Way Around

This week, President Trump made sure we all knew that even if a cop was trying to unjustly murder you, and you defended yourself, you would receive the death penalty. Since those laws are decided on a state by state basis, and the federal government doesn’t regulate local law enforcement except in times of emergency, I’m not sure how he’s going to ensure that, but I don’t think that was his intent. I think his intent was to let poor people know that they better stop resisting, because there is a different set of rules for how the police will treat them than people in Trump’s class. Fortunately, I doubt most police officers take him seriously, but some do and how many militarized police officers do you need out there knowing they can do whatever they want and get away with it? I live in one of the safest cities in the US and even our cops have a tank and full tactical gear. How many of them do we need to abuse their authority to cause a tragedy?

Furthermore, many reputable sources, like the New Yorker, have looked at the data and shown that there is no war on the cops. https://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/20/opinion/why-there-is-no-war-on-the-police.html

In fact, with especially with the introduction of new body armor, and more importantly updated educational programs for the police, police work is actually safer than most would think. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/blake-fleetwood/how-dangerous-is-police-w_b_6373798.html

So why are our police departments arming themselves to the teeth? Could it be because they’re being hyped up by external forces? Could it be because our totally corrupt governments are worried that people may be done putting up with their shit?

So why is our President trying to create an even greater rift between the police and the working class, and going out of his way to make the jobs of the police more dangerous than they need to be? Simple:

  1. He’s totally out of touch and literally lives on a different planet than you do in his mind.
  2. He never refers to pesky things like studies and statistics and simply believes everything he hears from his friends and says out loud.
  3. He wants to draw attention away from the fact that he should have been impeached by now.
  4. He wants to draw attention away from the fact that he’s probably started a war involving nuclear armed Israel to please a few donors. A war which we’ll probably get involved in at some point. Well technically we already are since we sell advanced weapons to Israel so they can oppress the Palestinians, but that’s a whole article in itself.
  5. He doesn’t want you thinking too hard about how all of your information is going to be censored now, thanks to the loss of Net-Neutrality, which is a concept that he never really understood.
  6. He wants you to forget that he is robbing you blind with his new tax plan.

You know what, I’ll stop there. There are simply too many things to list here that he is trying to draw your attention away from. Basically, he’s desperate to do anything to draw attention away from himself. The problem is that he’s doing things like causing wars to do it.

I get it, Hilary Clinton was an awful candidate. I get why people didn’t vote for her. Sure, you probably should have voted 3rd party instead of for Trump, but I get it. At this point though, if you still think that was a good decision, I don’t know what to say. I mean even the rich people should be getting ready to dump Trump after they pass the tax cuts. Which they shouldn’t do to us, but they will anyway. Why hang onto him after that? It’s obvious that he’s not going to help the working class out, which was the only solid that most of the people that backed him up did, or said they did anyway.

83% of Americans Want Net-Neutrality, FCC Says Fuck You

This one is short because I just want everyone to take a moment and consider what happened today and what it means. For or against Net-Neutrality 83% of Americans were for it. They wrote to the FCC in support of NOT repealing Net-Neutrality laws and the FCC did it anyway! What does it mean when 83% of Americans want something, express that clearly to their elected government, and the government does the opposite on behalf of the top 10% and big corporations instead? It means that we no longer have a democracy, we have a Corporate Dictatorship.

MPA Trains Officers to Murder Unarmed Dads

A letter to the Mesa Arizona Police Association that defended a out of control cop, named Philip Brailsford, that murdered an unarmed dad and got away with it even though he was backed up by 6 other cops, and they were all outfitted with assault rifles and other tactical gear like kevlar vests, oh and had non-lethal weapons at their disposal too. Guess MPA really means, Mega Pussy Association. Perhaps it should be changed to MGA (Mesa Gestapo Association or MCA (Mesa Coward Association). Still, as always I think most cops are good people trying to serve their communities, but this can’t be tolerated. Yet it was.

“Dear MPA,

Here is a song from the 3rd Reich to use the next time you need to get pumped up so you can have an out of control officer, with an assault rifle, shoot an obviously unarmed dad 5 times in a hotel hallway instead of just taking him into custody. Your organization is a disgrace to good police officers everywhere and you put their lives in jeopardy when you protect murdering thugs like Philip Brailsford, and his equally out of control commanding officer Charles Langley, who both said they would have done it again if given another chance.

Really, a guy with body armor, an AR-15, and 6 other cops outfitted in a similar manner to back him up, couldn’t just have handcuffed an UNARMED suspect?! He wanted to kill David Shaver and you know it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X986rZT_5X4 Good thing you kept the fact that he engraved “you’re fu****” into the side of the assault rifle, he should have never had, out of the court room. Stuff like that shows intent for 1st Degree murder, shhhh. Hell, he shot the guy 5 times for Christ’s sake. Here’s the video of the murder again. https://youtu.be/qYRRSdjdcbo

Looks to me like old Phil enjoyed himself, but probably only half as much as old Charles did. You know, just like any control freak bully would. Now please, old rich neo-cons, turn up the Fox News, then post lots of stuff in support of cops murdering people, because you think they’ll never come for you.”

Here’s a link to 3 petitions to bring these murdering thug to justice.

https://www.change.org/p/change-org-philip-brailsford-must-be-charged-with-1st-degree-murder

and

https://www.change.org/p/the-mayor-of-arizona-justice-for-daniel-shaver

and

https://www.change.org/p/arizona-supreme-court-arrest-retired-sgt-charles-langley

My God, Daniel Shaver was just at work. Anyway, if any of you know any poor, working class people in Arizona make sure you tell them to watch the fuck out for the cops!

How Can Anyone Be Voting for Roy Moore?

‘If you don’t want your tax dollars to help the poor, then stop saying that you want a country based on Christian values.’ — Jimmy Carter

I waited a few days to see how the Roy Moore thing played out, but I both NOT surprised and disgusted with the deep south. Roy Moore and Doug Jones are pretty much neck in neck right now. I think this really proves how full of shit most extreme Christians are. They say they want Republicans because they are the moral party that protects life from conception and in general care about other people but their actions prove otherwise. Extreme Christians in the south obviously care about tax cuts a lot more than decency. If that weren’t true they would have demanded a different candidate than Roy Moore from their increasingly Christian Extremist Republican Party. Plus, what is their problem with Doug Jones? Is it really so bad to vote for a candidate that wants to do things like help the poor regardless of their religious beliefs, race, etc. Sounds like that’s exactly what Jesus said, ya know, unless you’re a hypocritical racist Christian Extremist that only cares about money (aka apparently most Republicans in Alabama). If that’s the case you’ll vote for a child rapist before, God forbid, voting for someone who actually gives a bit of a shit about other people like Doug Jones. Can we please let the south become its own country already so we can stop trading with them and not recognize them as a country? How awesome would it be to invade them when they started acting like this? Between Charlottesville and this, is there really any hope? We’ll make Northern, VA part of DC, move Disney World up there, and cut off the rest. You know, maybe that’s where we should put Trump’s wall. Between the backward, racist, Christian Extremist south and the rest of the country. Between the amount of unsecured guns, stupidity and inbreeding they’ll probably get rid of each other in just a few short generations.  Just food for thought. I try not to stereotype the entire south, but man they make it hard not to sometimes. They certainly do seem to immature to be allowed to participate in the government of a “free” nation.

Trump Tax Cuts = South Park Underpants Gnomes Profit Plan

So listening to the arguments for and against the Trump Tax plan it seems like they basically have the same plan as the Underpants Gnomes in South Park.

Phase 1: Collect Underpants

Phase 2: ?

Phae 3: Profit

Really, when you look at it they’re basically saying the same thing. They’re saying:

Phase 1: Give even bigger tax cuts to the wealthy

Phase 2: ?

Phase 3: Profit

Let’s look at one specific example of why this won’t work. Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, said that if these tax cuts come through he will bring $150 Billion back to the US. What he isn’t saying is that they’ve already started automating jobs at Foxconn. So if they build a plant here it will be almost entirely automated. That means that virtually no jobs will be created for human workers and the only people that will benefit are the investors. Whatever, I’ve told you all a long tome ago to start using Linux anyway LOL :). Seriously though, Linux is awesome and pretty much guilt free. I’m always happy to help someone learn more about Linux.

Anti-Net Neutrality Is Corporate Welfare

Net-Neutrality is in the news yet again as we are on the cusp of losing more of our first amendment rights again to big, unethical, telecom companies. Instead of making all of the arguments for net-neutrality that other individuals, organizations, and net-neutral companies like Google have already done a great job of I want to make a very specific one. I want to talk about how it’s corporate welfare.

You see, when a town install public broadband or has a company like Google available these companies tend to actually do their installs correctly. A town like Bellingham, WA would cost about $10 million dollars to wire up, if it was done all at once, of course publicly owned networks tend to pay for themselves including for their own expansion and maintenance, so you usually install some at a low cost, and then incrementally allow it to expand, but that is a topic for another article.

What is relevant is that if you look at a town like Bellingham you will pretty quickly realize that most residents only have real access to 1 telecom company and that almost all of the providers here are anti-net neutral. CenturyLink put an almost laughable amount of fiber in and is overselling their capacity and service choices here, just like they did in King  County.

http://www.king5.com/money/consumer/centurylink-hit-with-class-action-lawsuit-over-billing-practices/451646322

Estimates put it at about only $500,000 so about 1/20th of the fiber necessary to really make Bellingham competitive in the modern world and their pricing is way higher than Google. Of course getting real figures out of CenturyLink is next to impossible. This spotty service isn’t even available everywhere and is anti-net neutral. Comcast is even worse with their copper infrastructure. Our government has used these poor providers as an excuse not to give us better choices, and this has resulted in virtual monopolies all over our town. This is true of many place in the US. Some towns simply have their service cut off if they don’t purchase enough connections from one of these giants. See these town in 13 states that had 1,300 connections abruptly shut off by Verizon proving that totally private service is not reliable. https://muninetworks.org/tags-57

A company like Google though, and most publicly owned networks, expand until the town has adequate coverage for everyone, include an access for all component, and therefore provide adequate opportunities for everyone. Smaller private providers often just get absorbed by Comcast or one of the bigger providers, who often make the absorbed connections and quality standards surrounding them worse. This gives you the illusion of choice but really just hides monopolies in the background.

So how is this corporate welfare? With net-neutrality a company has the incentive to build a better network to keep data prioritization equal. This is not expensive for them to do and lowers the cost per MBit for consumers. Even with that, most Americans pay 10 times the amount paid in other developed countries for their services and get much worse service in return. Without net-neutrality a company can throttle connections or even steal bandwidth from other parts of the network to keep premium customers data flowing at a fast rate, making the slower connections even worse. They can also take ransoms from companies to prioritize their traffic above others. Think of how this will effect the news! It also means that they are not regulated to build better networks and that the connections for most individuals will get worse while only an elite few see better connections. We are allowing them to do a terrible job and make more money than ever off of their poor services by not regulating them. That’s how it’s corporate welfare. We’re essentially giving them more money by not guaranteeing their services will even be good or usable for most.

It should be noted that most of our regulation was almost toothless before this anyway. If anything we needed more regulation to protect the interest of the average American, not less.

Also, the FCC under the Trump administration is pushing many other backward telecom standards listed here.

https://techcrunch.com/2017/10/26/fcc-wont-vote-on-net-neutrality-in-november/

Most of them sound good until you look into them. For example, the “Common-sense measures” to ease transition from copper to fiber, part of what they’re voting on is also corporate welfare. See Fiber is a great idea, especially publicly owned fiber, in fact it should be the default standard for telecom cabling in the US today, but this administration is just going to give tax money to big telecoms to upgrade their privately owned infrastructure. So 18 Billion dollar CenturyLink will not have to spend their own money maintaining and upgrading their own infrastructure. You’ll do it for them, even if you’re note one of their customers. They will be given your tax dollars instead. It’s a handout.

Equifax Notice of Data Breach (With A Truth Filter Enabled)

About 1/2 of all Americans received a letter from Equifax over the last few weeks outlining the totally unacceptable data breach that, of course, no one who makes more than 250k a year at Equifax is being held accountable for. Even though there was obviously insider trading, the most likely source of the breach was internal, and at best the Equifax executives withheld the data for at least a day while they sold off their stocks. The letter, of course, tries to inform the consumer of the problem without assigning any blame to Equifax. It’s overall goal is to help Equifax executives avoid being held accountable for their criminal activities. So here, I am reproducing the letter with George Carlin style interpretations in parentheses () where appropriate. Enjoy!

EQUIFAX

NOTICE OF DATA BREACH

Dear Proles,

This letter follows up on a cybersecurity incident Equifax announced on September 7, 2017. (It took us months to admit to it and then even longer to try and cover our tracks which is why you’re receiving this letter so late.) At Equifax, our priorites with regard to this incident are transperncy and continuing to provide timely, reassuring support to every consuer. (Meaning, we will pretend to care if you call us but you’re pretty much on your own if you are actually a victim of identity theft, etc. because of our criminal incompetence. I mean come on, you know the Corporate Democrats would have never held us accountable, so why do you think the Neo-Conservatice Republicans led by Trump will? We can do whatever we want and get away with it right now!) You are receiving this letter because you are one of the 3 million additional potentially impacted U.S. consumers that has personal information that was potentially exposed, as described below. (Meaning, your data was definitely taken. In fact, you’ve probably already had to at least run credit reports and file fraudulent credit card charge claims, but we still won’t admit to it because we don’t care. In fact, you have to be out of your mind to keep doing business with us. That is assuming you don’t lose everything you’ve worked so hard for in your life before you can protect yourself, because we took so long to inform you in the first place.)

What Happened

From mid-May through July of this year, Equifax discovered that criminals exploited a U.S. website application vulnerability to gain access to certain files. (Meaning that we had inadequate security because we never took it seriously, underpaid our IT staff, and had too few employees working on security to keep your data safe. Basically, we didn’t give a shit and never will since we can always get away with blaming our workers regardless of how we treat them. Also, by certain files we mean that we had lots of your data in just a few locations, making it easy for criminals to get lots of data at once. Our security model is often referred to as the Cadbury Creme Egg Model. Meaning hard outer shell, soft creamy center and our eggs were old and had even been dropped.) Upon discovery, we acted immediately to stop the intrusion. (Ok, well our own commentary shows that we didn’t act immediately, but hopefully this sounds good enough that you don’t put 2 and 2 together on that point). The company promptly engaged a leading, independent cybersecurity firm which has been conducting a comprehensive forensic review to determine the scope of the intrusion, including the specific data impacted. (You know, like we should have had been doing the whole time since we had data on about 50% of the population. Oh well, fuck you, deal with it!) Equifax also reported the criminal access to law enforcement and continues to work with authorities. (Which is kind of a joke, because all of our social systems have been totally gutted by people like our CEOs, and the upper class in general, but this sounds good to say here.) Based on the company’s investigation, the unauthorized access occurred from mid-May through July 2017. (So over a very long period of time, and we just weren’t paying attention, or some of us were involved. Remember Ockham’s razor. It probably took place over an even longer period of time, but we’ll never admit to that.)

On September 7, 2017 Equifax notified U.S. consumers of the data security incident, including that approximately 143 million (plus the 3 million additional consumers above so actually 146 million) U.S. consumers were impacted. (We’ve tried to soften up this number by using the whole U.S. population of about 323 million, but the adult population is about 250 million, meaning that 60% of consumers had their data stolen in a way that can be used immediately. Meaning that trusting your money with any large U.S. bank or credit organization is literally insane and shows you why our system is unsustainable.) On October 2, 2017, following the completion of the forensic portion of the investigation of the incident, (so 6 months after the original incident, because we were busy trying to cover up our own crimes), Equifax announced that the review determined that approximately 3 million additional consumers were potentially impacted. (See, we keep saying potentially, when we mean definitely. We’re just so spineless that we won’t take responsibility for anything, and honestly, for the sake of the species, shouldn’t be allowed to breed as we represent the worst among you. I mean, really, you guys all go to work for a living, and then we steal from you, it blows our minds that you tolerate that, but you do so whatever!) To minimize confusion, you are receiving this letter because you are one of the potentially effected U.S. consumers. (Again, replace potentially with definitely here.)

What Information Was Involved

Most of the consumer information accessed includes names, Social Security numbers, birth dates, addresses, and in some instances, driver’s license numbers. (Basically, everything someone needs to totally fuck up your life. Oh, and it’s your responsibility to solve the problem, not ours. Thank god for the Republicans and Corporate Democrats who are on the take and will never hold us responsible. Phew, it would be a close one without those guys on our payroll.) In addition to this notice, Equifax will send you a direct mail notice if your credit card number was impacted. (Which is not true, because many of you who know your credit cards were impacted did not receive notices. I’m sure we’ll pretend that we just didn’t know. Tee-hee.) We have found no evidence of unauthorized access to Equifax’s core consumer or commercial credit reporting databases. (But then again, we missed everything else for months, and took even longer to report it, so that doesn’t really mean anything. In general, we’re totally incompetent, or at least that’s what we want you to think. We actually probably just stole from you.)

What We Are Doing

(Overall, we’re just pretending to care. I mean, come on, we all know that the Trump administration won’t hold us accountable.)

Upon learning of this incident, Equifax took steps to stop the intrusion, and engaged an independent cybersecurity firm to forensically investigate and determine the scope. Equifax also engaged cyersecurity firm (it really does say firm here, we can’t even be bothered to proof read stuff like this) to conduct an assessment and provide recommendation on steps that can be taken to help prevent this type of incident from happening again. (This was always possible, we just chose not to spend money on protecting you until something awful happened because it would have cost us money that our spoiled kids could spend on blow to use in their Ivy League dorms.)

Equifax is focused on consumer protection and has established a dedicated website, www.equifaxsecurity2017.com to help consumers. (We should have called it equifax_unacceptable_data_breach_2017.com) We are also offering free identity theft protection and credit file monitoring to all U.S. consumers, even if a consumer was not impacted by this incident. (You know, like we always should have since we make millions off of reselling your information, etc. This is also a way for us to shift the blame back to you when something happens to you because of our incompetence.) This offering, called TrustedID Premier, includes 3-Bureau credit monitoring of your Equifax, Experian and TransUnion credit reports; copies of your Equifax credit report; the ability to lock and unlock your Equifax credit report; (meaning it’s totally useless if another credit bureau is used) identity theft insurance; (of course no amount is specified here, because we’ll totally try to fuck you on that later like any insurance company) and Internet scanning for your Social Security number – all complimentary to U.S. consumers for one year. (We hope this will keep us from going to jail, but come on, we can’t give you more than one year, because we’re just that greedy.) To find out more information on this complimentary offer and to sign up, please click on the tab “What Can I Do” on the dedicated website. You must complete the enrollment process by January 31, 2018. (Better keep saying complimentary. Then people feel like they’re getting something when they’re not really. Well they already got screwed by us, so that’s something right…)

In addition, by January 31, 2018, Equifax will offer a new service allowing consumers the option of controlling access to their personal credit data. (Like we always should have offered, but remember we were too busy selling your information, buying cocaine and hookers with the profits, and supporting candidates like Donald Trump so we could get away with incompetence like this all of the time, to do that. Also, this will be useless if someone uses another credit bureau.) The service we are developing will let consumers easily lock and unlock access to their Equifax credit files — for free, for life. (Again, it’s not really free. It’s your data after all. We had no right to withhold it from you in the first place.)

What You Can Do

In addition to enrolling in identity theft protection and credit file monitoring, please see the “Identity Theft Prevention Tips” and State Information below. (A great first step would be NOT doing business with us anymore. Oh and NOT voting against your own interests in the future. You should probably start voting for people that will actually hold us accountable. I mean really, what other proof do you need?!) This information provides additional steps you can take, including how to obtain a free copy of your credit report and place a fraud alert and/or credit freeze on your credit report. In addition, please monitor your account statements and report any unauthorized charges to your credit card companies and financial institutions. (All of who should know better than to trust us in the future.)

For More Information

Equifax is committed to ensuring that your personal information is protected (well not really, that’s why we’re in this mess in the first place, but this sounds good here), and we apologize to you for the concern and frustration this incident causes. (I mean, again, if we cared, this wouldn’t have happened, but maybe this will keep you from putting us in jail where we belong.) If you have additional questions, please call our dedicated call center at 866-447-7559, available from 7:00 a.m. to 1:00 a.m. Eastern Time, seven days a week. (Even after this we won’t give you a 24 hour call center. Come on, that means underpaying workers for 3 shifts and we are still really, really greedy and incapable of taking responsibility for our mistakes.)

Sincerely,

Equifax Inc.

(Notice how we didn’t list the names of any of our upper echelon here. We don’t want you remembering who they are.)